an anniversary and a birthday

June 29th - the date my parents tied their wedding knot, in the year 1958. it has been 51 wonderful, fruitful years. last year we had a superb family occasion for the golden jubilee of their marriage, together with the family day. this year tak de buat ape2 special. i send dad a text message this morning. he called to thank me, but i was in a meeting, tak leh cakap panjang. moga berbahagia selamanya.

but i guess, one of the best gift they ever had for their anniversary was the birth of my only brother, syam, who was born on the same date in 1973. he is the ninth child, and was called as "awang 9" by the kampung folks back then.

my brother syam - an obedient child. anak yang baik, sabar and never say 'no' to my parents. even though he is the only boy in the family, he was not spoilt and tak pernah received special privilege. our parents treat him sama je ngan orang lain. masa kecik2 manja sangat2 and always nak ikut mana2 my parents pergi. kalau tak dibenarkan ikut, dia akan kejar kereta tu, and it was me and seri yang kena kejar dia and bawa dia balik rumah.

syam masa kecik - mat smart. asyik pakai bush jacket macam ayah. rambut sentiasa rapi, baju tucked-in and mesti pakai belt. bila dah besar.... selekeh habis! bila dah jumpa Era baru nampak presentable sikit.

anyway bro, i wish you all the best, sukses dunia akhirat. may eisyraf and eqmal be the best children and menyejukkan hati you and era.

luv ya!

end of the journey

i wanted to make this entry earlier, but the weekend was quite hectic.

by now, everybody knows that michael jackson died of cardiac arrest. but the real cause of death is yet to be determined...

i'm not really an MJ's fan. but i grew-up during his era, and his songs are quite nostalgic... they remind me of the days in mrsm ktn, and the early part of my medic school. of course, thriller, beat-it and billie jean were among the top songs when i was in form 1. bad, man in the mirror, one day in your life, heal the world, dangerous, black or white, etc.

banyak juga lagu MJ yang i suka, but the one i'm going to share in the next vid is one of the best. lagu ni was recorded time MJ was still with jackson 5 in the early 70's.



so long... MJ. he died young, and lead a lonely, mysterious life. i bet, he never found the real meaning of happiness. may you rest in peace...

why do i blog?

i couldn't remember exactly when i started reading blogs. but what initiates me was the article in reader's digest, about a homeless person in britain. after being forced out of her rented apartment, she lived in her car. after sometimes, she started using the public toilets in librarys to take a bath. subsequently, she started using the computer library to start a blog about her homeless life. she received unexpected responses, and was interviewed in tv programmes. everything after that was history.

then it was the political waves. i actually like to read and talk about politics, but it was reserved to selected people. masa tu mula baca malaysia today, kickdefella, che det and banyak lagi. entah kenapa, sekarang i dah tak baca semua tu. muak?

what really hooked me was my friend's site - spread the jam. my friend, joe is a born writer. i believe it runs in her family, the KuStamangs'. everyone in her family has their own blog except for dolly. joe was an engineer but became a housewife since she followed her hubby to saudi. she has turned into a domestic goddess. besides good at cooking (she shares easy to follow recipes), she is now selling tudung thru the net. but now she seldom update her blog, sibuk menjahit.

but joe and her father, PokKu, has linked me to many wonderful blogs. these people really speak-up their minds, share their life stories and open up your eyes betapa kejadian Tuhan ni pelbagai. dugaan dan experience kehidupan orang lain banyak bagi kita peringatan. reading their blogs terasa macam kita dah kenal the blogger dah lama, padahal tak pernah bersua muka. they brighten-up your day, and sometimes, their writings make me cry. sebenarnya, naluri manusia, we like to share and we like to know that someone cares.

why do i blog? sebenarnya dah lama nak mula. i started at blogspot, but never published my entry. malu. tak de confidence. padahal bukannya orang tahu kita ni sape, bcoz initially i open-up an anonymous blog.

but what makes me really want to blog? loneliness. i need to talk to keep me sane. i need to make my life lively. i was actually bored.

niat asal joined friendster and facebook ni nak tengok2kan my nieces and nephews yang ramai ni. sorry,... i was not spying, cuma ambik berat. kita can caring society. then, belek2 friendster, rupanya boleh buat blog kat friendster, so cubalah. audience pun tak ramai, anak2 sedara je. maka lahirlah as the wind blows. yes, it was ida and dhuha yang rajin bagi comments, then baru yang lain2. lama2 dah menulis ni, seronok pulak. subconsciously, the blogs keep us closer, update us with the latest news about each other. tahu2 jelah kita ni bukannya selalu jumpa, nak telephone pun malas. at least, i feel closer to my nieces.

blogspot sebenarnya lebih user friendly, and more accessible. but once your blog is established, google je your blogger name, orang pun boleh get access to your blog, tak perlu jadi member dlm friendster to get access to a friendster blog.

kenapa pula i suka nak keep on updating this blog? ntahlah... i pun tak tahu kenapa i suka nak tulis...

maid in a muddle

MAID - tak ada susah, ada pun susah.

when i was small, rumah kami tak delah proper maid, but we always have someone in the house to take care of us yang kecik2. mereka ni selalunya sedara mara, therefore kami tak delah panggil maid. more of a helper.

during primary school, we have my dad's cousin staying in the house to take care of my little sister, elly. she was older than my dad, single and sangat cerewet. since dia ada kat rumah, dia tak only took care of elly, but more or less tolong jaga kami sekali. masa tu, we don't really like her. kalau terjaga tidur malam2, bunyi dia snoring macam bunyi drum + cymbals. ingat lagi bunyi tu...

banyak benda yang tak boleh buat and kena marah bila dia ada. kami tak boleh makan ngan chopsticks, nanti dia kata nak jadi cina. tak boleh makan tumpah, nanti kena marah. my late tok ayah had stroke, and always had problems makan nasi mesti tumpah bawah meja, and bila cuci mulut kat sink, mesti basah keliling sink. itupun dia bising. he.. tak faham ke tok ayah tu sakit? so, akibatnya, kami selalu mengata dia. masa tu i kecik lagi, dalam darjah dua, so i baik sikit, tak pandai nak menjawab. tapi kalau my elder sisters tu selamba je menjawab mulut dia.

yang bestnya, kami mengata dia depan2, tapi kami cakap orang putih sebab tak nak bagi dia faham. nama dia pun kami bagi nama mat salleh. we were supposed to call her mak nik, but her english name was Monica Davis. so, kalau kami tetiba je speaking tunggang langgang, maksudnya geram benarlah tu and mengata2 dia. punyalah kita mengata dia, bila jumpa sedara mara, dia akan puji kami melambung sebab pandai cakap orang putih, kat rumah pun speaking... kami senyum dan ketawa je.

tapi sekarang dia dah tak de. last sekali masa visit dia, sungguh sedih... drama airmata. very sad.

back to maids.....

so far, my maid, k.syam boleh tahanlah... as compared tu maid my sisters. but since she return from her 2 weeks raya leave, perangai dah lain sikit. lagi ketara bila we agreed to give her a handphone. bila dah ada hp sendiri, maka panjanglah langkahnya. asyik bergayut kat telephone. maid neighbour sebelah pun banyak ajar dia macam2. tapi kalau tak bagi berkawan, melampau pula.

rupanya my maid ni dah ada boyfriend. patutlah asyik bergayut. kdg2, sambil masak pun pegang telephone. i pun pernah jumpa notes jiwang2 masa balik KB. then mula nak minta duit. dulu2, duit gaji pun tak nak ambik, nak simpan buat beli rumah. lately, asyik mintak duit, bukan sikit. sekali minta sampai RM1ribu. yang geramnya dia banyak berdalih, kata nak bagi anak, then sedara tapi tak nak kami wire it to indon thru western union, maid neighbour sebelah akan uruskan, katanya.

rupa2nya duit tu nak bagi boyfriend. what makes me mad, bila i only got to know all these thru my sister, who got to know from her maid. and ksyam also ada bercerita ngan my mom. tapi, biasalah, my mom ni pun tak nak cerita ngan i. they know... i akan marah punyer. lagi geram bila mr hubbyby pun tahu, tapi tak de pun nak cerita ngan kita. agghhhh......... siapa kita ni? duit gaji dia siapa bayar? saya yang bayar!

last few weeks, dah mula pandai nak minta cuti, nak gi jumpa kawan in kuantan. mr hubbyhy and i had long discussions. bukan ape, kita risau if anything bad happen to her. dia bukannya biasa kat kuantan. dia ingat malaysia ni macam medan ke? hubbyby called the 'kawan', but no answer. i takut kalau dia gi jumpa org laki. susah hati juga... men cannot be trusted. but she insisted on going.

so hari ini, for the first time after 3 years, we let her go on a trip by herself. naik bus gi kuantan. she promised to call when she reached kuantan. sampai sekarang belum call. may she has called mr hubbyby. harapnya everything will be ok, and hope she will return safely this satuday.

berat hati melepaskan dia macam nak lepaskan anak. sedih gak bila dia salam cium tangan pagi tadi. tapi i control je muka stern...

so, petang ni balik rumah, there is no tea waiting for me on the dining table. sunyi pula rumah. sofea wants to stay with hubbyby at amethyst, and balik malam ni. hanif keluar main badminton depan rumah.

what's for dinner? selalunya khamis malam ni, i nak rehat betul2 coz dah penat kerja one week. so, it will be take-away pizza for tonite.

esok... breakfast, laundry and kemas rumah. my mother in law might singgah rumah kejap on her way to kemaman for a kenduri. then, my parents and elly and her family will come to my house on saturday. elly baru balik umrah and balik kb to pick-up her children, so balik KL ikut jalan KT.

am expecting a hectic weekend. hmm... dah lama jadi mem, i believe i can be a superb domestic goddess. hehe... boleh caya ke? will see...

random rambles

hari ini 1 rejab.

time really flies. i thought yesterday was 29 jamadilakhir, but i was wrong. but i really heard fenda mentioned it on TV3 yesterday morning. confused. wrong date kut.

it's final. i have to go for the workshop. ok, no big deal. i will just go and won't promise anything when i come back later. but i couldn't get a room at G-Hotel, the room availabe is only at RM360/night. hubbyby kata tak pe... tapi musim gawat ni kena fikir jugak. the economic turmoil is expected to be worse... was mentioned in yesterday's news. may be i'll stay at gurney hotel, or ada satu lagi nearby, murah sikit.

mr hubbyby tak nak ikut. dia lagi sayang kedai dan sekolah hanif dari wife dia.

sebenarnya pergi sorang ni ada pro and kontra nya. yang bestnya... boleh tidur lena, boleh tgk movie kat tv tanpa ada gangguan, atau baca novel sampai loss track of time, boleh rehat minda. yang tak bestnya... bila tiba time makan, teringat anak2 and sometimes tak leh tidur. i kan penakut.

haa... i pernah mimpi menakutkan and mengigau masa gi KL last year. nasib baik masa tu nuha balik cuti from NZ and ikut i pergi kl. i went for a course and she went to meet her friends and to shop around. i ngigau camana?.... i boleh ketawa tengah2 malam dalam gelap tu dengan ketawa yang menakutkan... nuha woke me up. mengucap panjang... dan seterusnya tidur dalam lampu terpasang. kalau duduk hotel sorang2 jawabnya lampu dan tv akan terpasang sampai pagi. membazir letrik?? kan kita bayar bil hotel tu mahal2, tak pelah.

masa kat mrsm dulu pun i pernah bukak mata tengah malam and tengok my friend, wani dan menjerit sampai semua orang terjaga. i remembered screaming but i tak tahu i nampak apa, may be i tak nampak my friend but something else... masa tu bising sampai budak laki pun kecoh nak tahu what happen, tapi i selamba je sambung tidur.

flight ticket belum booking. risau jugak nak travel sekarang ni. esok kena gi ambik influenza vaccine.

k. selamat menyambut rejab dan beramal. puasa ganti dah habis ke?

serat dalam kabut

hari ni, aku nak melayu abes. tiada unsur barat.

dah lama aku tak 'bercakap' di sini. akhir2 ini semua entri di blog ini bersifat ringkas dan "read between the lines" atau tersirat di dalam klip2 video, sape faham makna tersirat, maka fahamlah.

aku. aku jarang menggunakan gantinama ini. dalam ruang lingkup aku dibesarkan, kalau cakap 'aku' dikira sangat kasar, tak sopan dan tak manis. cuma mula gunakan gantinama 'aku, kau dan mu' bila masuk matrix. it was reserved untuk beberapa org kawan perempuan je, boleh bilang ngan jari. banyak guna gantinama ini bila cakap ngan budak laki je.

tapi hari ini, aku nak buang tebiat.

hari ini aku ada masalah. tak besar, kecik je. tapi cukup utk buat aku serabut. he... nak tergelak pun ade... umur macam gini nak emo lagi ke?

edi kata aku dah "tua". ok. emo tak sesuai utk orang tua macam aku. laila kata umur tu cuma angka, tak de makna. bagus laila, itu cara orang matang berfikir.

aku bengang sebab kena pergi workshop yang aku tak minat. aku tak suka buat benda yang aku tak minat. susah ke orang nak faham? tak ade makna pergi kalau separuh hati. jasad saja yang hadir, tanpa rasa, akal dan emosi. dah cukup berhemah aku tolak, dengan bahasa yang paling mudah dan senang difahami. ok, mungkin boss percaya pada aku, dan fikir cuma aku yang boleh ganti dia. tapi itu yang buat aku berat hati. aku dan dia tak sama. aku tak suka mensia-siakan amanah orang. adakala ia menjadi beban.

hari ni aku ikhlas tolong orang. tapi kerana tolong orang, hari aku jadi 'miserable'. ada ke orang nak tolong aku? tak jugak. aku 'panas' dalam menggigil kesejukan. aku pegang tangan nori, mengharapkan magis tenaga yang bergabung, macam bila aku pegang tangan nani selasa lepas. tapi nori ketawa. aku rasa macam budak2. mungkin banyak sangat tengok katun.

tak guna serabutkan kepala. ok. tarik nafas. senyum. harap esok lebih ceria.

panas!!

hari ini sungguh panas. rasa sungguh nak menyeksi! kepala pun berdenyut2, sungguh sakit, tetapi saje je tak nak makan ubat. so buat dunno je.

pelik camana hubbyby boleh tidur dalam cuaca panas ni... tak faham. ikutkan hati, nak tekan je suis aircond tu.. tapi mengenangkan kita nak fight global warming dan ada sikit sifat kedekut nak bayar bil letrik mahal, ahh... terpaksalah padamkan niat tu.

panas.... ahh... nikmatnya kalau boleh makan ABC atau lai ci kang. masa gi giant pagi tadi, apa yang spontaneously dicapai oleh tangan ini hanyalah item2 berikut - kinder bueno, yogurt, ice cream, manggo... benda2 yang sejuk dan menyejukkan. yang lain2 ikut shopping list, macam robot.

ahh... lazatnya yogurt ini, masam2 lemak berkrim. sejuk.

boring. godaan PC di sebelah sungguh besar. games. sofea minta ummi tolong mainkan part susah.... godaan mafia wars juga agak besar, banyak invitation diterima. tapi setakat ini masih boleh bertahan. nuha juga sehingga pernah buat entri tentang mafia wars. hebat sangat ke? belum pernah cuba. no time for that.. haha..

need to go, sofea keep calling me to read her a new book bought this morning.

hujanlah malam ini...

that's what beauty is..

watch this.



got the message? nicely featured on a foreign film.

you found me..

the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

cheer up!

drools

saya nak blackberry storm! drools...

a tribute to AYAH..

june 12 - today is Father's Day.

forgot about it. bila bukak tv, baru perasan. well, dulu2 tak pernah sibuk pun pasal father's day, cuma lately, after i have my own children, kita mula aware about. if we were in KB together with other siblings, then we would have some makan2. when your parents get older, they become more sensitive and they really appreciate the small little things that we do to show that we love them.

i love my dad. he is my role model. i have always admired him since i was small. but our relationship is conservatively father and daughter. same as my mom, we don't interact much verbally, but the bond holds us together. kadang2 i tak pandai nak borak with him. i even pernah told my friends that i talk to my dad on PRN basis, and whenever he drove me to work during my housemanship, we seldom talk. me... i was always a rebel!

dad is the youngest out of 9 siblings - complicated, ada yg betul2 share the same father and mother, ada yang satu mak lain ayah, ada yang satu ayah lain mak. but what i respect about his family is that they are very close. my nenek even took care of her stepchildren. my father also jenis yang suka take care about his sedara mara, and act like a father to many of his nieces and nephews.

he is not from a well-off family, orang kampung. his father died even before my eldest sister was born, and was brought up by his mother. masa dulu2 school was not a must, but he attended school bila tengok kawan gi sekolah. one day while he was in primary school, his teacher told him, that he can apply for a "special malay" class, but kena ambik test. he went there with his parents and waited for his name to be called. his name was not called, and it turn out that it was bcoz he didn't pay for it. he was sad, and began to realize how important money is. just becoz of a small amount of money, he lost the chance to get a better education.

he continued his ordinary school, and began to realize the importance of maths and education. he finished school and was offered to be a teacher. dulu ayah nak gi interview pun pinjam seluar kawan... i just can't imagine. dulu jadi cikgu tak perlu masuk universiti, pergi special training je. and the pupils are sometimes older than you since sekolah dulu tak de system.

all this while i thought he was maths and science teacher je, tapi sebenarnya his specialty is geography. i knew it after i returned from korat. his has a wide general knowledge, and is a quite well read person. he even says, kita mungkin tak mampu nak sampai ke satu2 tempat tu, tapi ilmu yang kita ada, boleh buat kita tahu segala2 about it, melebihi orang lain.

he is an all-rounder. belia contoh, pengasas persatuan belia kg. salor and was really active when he was young. he has a good voice, can sing, can act and berzapin. his passion in sports tak bersempadan. he played for the state badminton team, and later became the state coach and was always active in the badminton association. whenever big events like thomas cup, etc being held in KL, he used to be one of the volunteers or is he paid for it? i don't know. masa kecik2 dulu, biasalah ayah ada meeting ngan kawan2 kat rumah, and we were told to watch tv quietly upstairs and eat quietly in the kitchen. he was also active in football and takraw. dad can also mengaji quran very well, suara dia sedap, tajwid bagus. kalau dia dengar kita ngaji he can correct us without even looking at the quran itself.

ayah seorang yang berpandangan jauh. as a teacher, walaupun duduk kg., he knows which school to send us. we were sent to the best school in KB at that time, english medium. walaupun susah, ayah akan pastikan dia yang hantar kami ke sekolah, kecuali kalau sekolah petang, then kena gi naik bas. walau anak dia dah ramai, dia boleh tumpangkan anak orang lain lagi naik kereta dia. ayah also took care of some of my cousins, mana2 yang ada potential, ayah akan sekolahkan at a better school, and belanja semua ayah tanggung. they will stay with us at our house. no wonder, my cousins really respected him.

to dad, education is the passport to a better future. masa kecik2 dulu, ayah selalu tanya siapa my friends at school. i was encouraged to befriend the top scorers at school, an observe how they learn. when my sisters finished SPM, dad akan usaha isi borang itu ini, to make sure kami dapat scholarship, kami bukan orang senang. walaupun kami semua perempuan, we were encourage to go abroad to further our studies, cuma bila dia dah tua sikit, baru dia nak kami study kat malaysia je, takut apa2 jadi, senang nak balik. tapi by that time our local universities pun dah bagus.

my mom and dad do not speak english. they can understand simple english je but they do not communicate using that language. but all of us mastered that language well. when my sisters were studying abroad, they were encourage to write letters to us in english. i was only std 2 at that time, and i would read the letters to him out loud and will explain what i can understand from it.

masa kecik i was anak ayah... memang manja. i always kiss my dad on his cheeks sampailah i dah darjah dua and mula ada adik perempuan. i remember i always dance in front of him, and dia akan cakap how good i was. when i started to learn rollerskating, he was the one who held my hand to keep me from falling. he instilled the reading culture into me. during school holidays, we would play carrom, chess and rummikub together. petang2, main badminton.

dad always have powerful words. his words would always make me cry. masa duduk mrsm and ukm dulu, bila telefon rumah, kalau boleh i tak nak cakap ngan ayah, sebab he will always bagi nasihat yang power2, and make me cry. he would always pat my back whenever i nak naik bas after balik cuti.

as a father, he is strict. his stare would scare us. but dia tak pernah guna kekerasan, nak marah pun setakat marah mulut je. he taught me to be positive, strong and tough. ramai yang tanya ayah apa rahsia anak2 semua successful and menjadi... his answer was - mungkin berkat kita ikhlas mengajar anak orang (as a teacher), and doa yang tak pernah putus. alhamdulillah, now they dah menuai hasil kejayaan anak2, berkat kehidupan, murah rezeki.

he is an optimistic person, always positive, diplomatic and very polite with his words. bila cari life partner dulu, i always compare that person ngan ayah. the truth is, i couldn't find one that match him. not even any of my brothers IL pun setanding ngan ayah. he is one in a million to me.

ayah, please forgive me for being a difficult and rebellious child. but i have always tried my best to make you proud of me. being a doctor is one big gift for you, and i will always try to be good. i know i never have the courage to say these out loud in front of you, but i want you to know that i love you. i always do.

happy father's day!

happy father's day

happy father's day! i love you, dad.

pain management

life has been tough. it always does. but it has been tougher recently. thank god, i'm still alive and breathing. am not a robot like the video i'm gonna share later at the end of my entry.

i just don't understand. why does it has to be painful? did i choose the wrong path? life has got a lot to offer, some appears so tempting, some looks good but boring, some appears too good to be true, some appears so familiar and you hope to rejuvenate the experience again.

some looks very challenging but you just enjoy the boost of your ego everytime you overcome the challenge. some appears tricky and dangerous but you just love adventures, it's full of excitement, and gets even more exciting with new level of challenge and the rewards and extra bonuses you received. some are just so nice, with beautiful sceneries and gardens, sweet smelling scents of the wild flowers, but you can just be deceived by it, beware!

am i regretting it? no regrets, no surrender! but its getting weird and harder. sort of tricky too. it's eating me up without me really being aware of it. losing my sleep and my eyebags gets more obvious each day. the beauty of food presentation failed to deceive me. losing my creativity. my attention span becomes shorter like a toddler's. reacting at spinal level instead of really scratching my brains.

my muscles getting tired and my knees getting weaker. the journey seems winding, and the road is really bumpy. i couldn't find a good vehicle to help make my journey easier and enjoyable. ohh... why can't they send my camry faster? can't they be kind enough to offer me a BMW or mercedes with a chauffer for me to enjoy the picturesque scenery?

it's aching inside. paracetamol won't work with me. i need something stronger but please, i don't want the morphine infusion. i need my consciousness to be superb. i have problems in trusting the people around me, i need to be well alert. i need to be rational, otherwise my decision making would be poor. morphine gives you weird dreams, had it after my C-section.

but isn't the pain already making me irrational at times? i am in need of pain service, ASAP. why haven't they establish this service in my hospital now? oh.. Daia is doing the subspecialty training. then may be i should go and see the anesthetist in kota bharu. nah... it's two and a half hour ride, wasting my time. i'm a busy person!

you asked for it! got to face it, through thick and thin... gotta be strong!

humans are dead, said the 'flight of the conchords. this vid may heal some of my pain, may be yours too. enjoy it!



haha... aren't they funny?

tricky game

i've not been writing here for quite sometime. why did i choose to write at two sites anyway? now dah tak sempat nak maintain and update. dah terbiasa kat my other blog, terpinggirlah life goes on.

sumthing weird is happening in my life. a funny feeling that shouldn't be residing there. i should have let it go, and leave it, but was just enjoying it. it feels good.. (should sound as the i feel good song). but now it's getting tricky, and it's using a lot of my energy and power.

a confession? a confrontation? oo..hoo... women also got their ego. cannot lose this game. buts its playing hide and seek, now you see it, now you don't. just like that chipsmore ad.

enuff said. forget it. nip it. you shouldn't be playing the game anymore. time's up. game over!

huh! may be it's not yet over... ahhh! quit playing games with my heart!

what went wrong

i cannot sleep. was already asleep while i put sofea to sleep, but hanif woke me up. now, i just cannot sleep. forced myself. failed. something is bothering me... have i done anything wrong? i don't like this feeling.

went blog-hopping. then i began to realize... i haven't been reading much nowadays. not even the news. yes, i did browse thru the online papers but i just read headlines and speed-read the selected news, just to get the gist of it. no wonder my general knowledge doesn't seem to be growing lately. i used to be a quite well-read person. i was brought up to do it. we had newspapers sent to our house daily, and kami berebut to read it. we also have a lot of books at home, and a set of encyclopedia yang i tak pernah habis baca - i only read about dolls, nursery rhymes, animals, countries, flags, the evolution of the way people dressed, etc.

i have also slowed down in reading novels. this year baru habis baca 3 novels. not much of an achievement. mags pun i dah jarang beli, kalau beli pun i just browse thru and buat i rasa membazir bayar mahal2. dulu, sampai lebu ID mags tu i belek.

why and how did this happened? may be i bcoz i have started writing, and spent more time on it. but to write, i should actually read more. has something gone wrong somewhere in me? i think so. i have changed. may be it's the effect of aging. my mind is at a relaxed mode most of the time now. malas dah nak fikir benda yang menyerabutkan kepala. i want to make life easy and enjoying it. i also felt that my performance at work is not as good as before. not as tip-top.

mungkin dah nak masuk 5 tahun kat KT ni, i dah mula rasa boring. may be i need a new challenge. a transfer? janganlah... tak sanggup. i don't like masuk tempat kerja baru. it is a stress to me. meeting new people, new environment, semua boleh buat i stressful. time student dulu pun gitu. but i need something to boost me up. admin work? sorry, tak minat. i hate meetings. i just like to do clinical work especially surgeries, and clinic. may be i should go for subspeciality training. again, i dah tak sanggup nak go through stress nak stay kat selayang for one year. and the progress viva, umur dah dekat 40, dah malas nak stress benda2 cam gini.

my hubbyby dah lama suruh i open up my own eye center. cakap senang, tapi susah jugak, coz i think one of us must be in the government sector. bukan ape, economy ni turun naik. tak berani nak ambik risk. modal pun satu hal, kita bukannya banyak duit sangat. it needs proper planning, and i'm not young anymore. nanti dekat 50, nak buat op pun may be dah tak selesa. i need a younger person to run it then. a good business partner mungkin susah nak cari.

ahh... things have mellowed down. it's true when people said you need some stress to move forward, to perform, to excell. have i lost my midas touch?

where did i go wrong? help me, God.

missing

today is 2nd day of soft skills course. they were talking about conflict management. haha... i can smell a conflict somewhere... buat tak tahu jelah! acting passive? lantaklah... sarang tebuan jangan dijolok, nanti teruk kena serang!

we went to our clerk's wedding. the two bosses went together with me and with 4 other MOs. but the bosses were in my car. haha... tak pasal2 kena tegur suruh bawak kereta assertively. termalu kita! entahlah... selalunya kalau bawak orang lain dalam my car, i drive slow sikit, tapi hari ni i just drive seperti biasa. i was just being myself! biasalah, kita ni clumsy sikit. the pengantin baru was in yellow, berseri2 tapi tetap kalut seperti biasa. semoga berbahagia ke anak cucu.

balik rumah, tak sabar nak bagi goody bags to my children. but the house was quiet. the children was away at my sister's house. they have just returned from a holiday in KL. mmm... kesian my children terperap kat rumah je cuti sekolah ni. yesterday they were begging me to bring them to the swimming pool, but i was too tired. cuaca panas sangatlah... hari ni pun i rasa macam tak nak gi je. too hot!

today, most of my sisters are travelling home to taman guru. how i wish to be home, together with them. i miss them. the last time we were together was last december, almost 6 months ago.

apa yang best sangat jumpa depa semua tu? borak. kami akan chit-chat and chit-chat and chit-chat and gosssipping. kami boleh bercakap sambil preparing food, sambil masak, sambil makan sampai kering nasi kat tangan, sambil kemas, sambil minum kopi dan minum lagi dan lagi dan lagi sampai pukul 3, 4 pagi. kadang2 masuk tidur dalam bilik, kadang2 tertidur kat living area, kadang2 tertidur kat settee kat dapur, sambil tv terus terpasang. tapi selalunya kami masuk bilik masing2lah.

mula2 dulu our hubbybies bising jugak, tapi lama2 depa dah faham. sometimes depa keluar gi makan2 colek kat luar, tapi selalunya mereka suka tidur! pukul 10 pagi dah nak tidur, lepas lunch tidur, lepas asar tidur, lepas dinner borak2 kejap, then tidur. tak fahamlah lelaki ni. universal problem - suka tidur. macamlah depa je kerja kuat, kita lagi kerja kuat. kami seldom keluar dari dapur sebab tak henti2 prepare food. lepas breakfast, nak minum tea pukul 11 pulak. then lunch, lepas tu evening coffee or tea pulak. pas tu dinner, then coffee or tea lagi! tapi seronok...

selalunya time2 gini je i boleh abaikan telefon. i boleh nak tinggalkan my phone dalam bilik and couldn't be bothered by any calls or messages. i just wanna have fun with my family.

lagi, yang seronoknya sebab kami boleh gi shopping sesama, tanpa our hubbybies. so no pressure utk shopping laju2. boleh take our own sweet time. boleh belek and belek, and compare prices here and there, and pilih and pilih. tapi most of us suka buat kerja cepat, so our shopping are quite efficient. kalau kami beli barang 2-3 trolley, kami boleh volunteer lagi kat cashier tu untuk pack kan barang2 kami dlm plastic bag tu sendiri, sebab kami tak tahan tgk depa kerja slow sangat.

lepas balik shopping kami akan buat session tunjuk2 barang yang dah dibeli. kadang2 my sisters tu kalau beli kain, boleh berbelas or berpuluh pasang, then akan adalah insan yang akan beli dari dia. yang lebih, dia akan gi jual kat kawan2. sessi tayang baju raya. sessi tayang baju anak2. haha... tak de kerja betul! bukannya nak menunjuk, but we just want to share!

my youngest sister nak gi umrah middle of june ni. tak sempat nak jumpa dia. dia balik kb tinggalkan her children with her mother in law. my mother dah tak larat nak jaga baby, she is asthmatic and lately nampak sungguh cepat penat. she is already 70. my dad yang selama ni i rasa cukup steady pun dah nampak makin aging. walaupun dia sihat, tapi sakit lututlah, selsemalah, batuklah. la ni pergi masjid kat belakang rumah pun dia naik kereta. mujurlah neighbourhood kat taman guru tu bagus, kadang2 ada their younger friends datang hantar nasi bungkus special, ada anak2 arwah orang kaya kat depan tu yang selalu datang bagi kueh and macam2 food. kalau raya pun selalu datang hantar cakes for my parents. yelah... anak2 sendiri duduk jauh di perantauan. orang berbudi kita berbahasa, orang memberi kita merasa. semangat kejiranan. my mom sendiri pun dah jarang sangat masak, nak gi pasar pun macam dah tak larat. apapun, dia masih sanggup duduk bilik atas and sanggup turun naik tangga berkali2 sehari bcoz she prefers her own toilet, and nak solat in her room. semua 4 bilik kat bawah tu dia tak minat. my father pun sama.

i'll be on leave till tuesday. tomorrow kena balik besut, SIL nak tunang. belum decide nak balik KB or not, kalau balik pun may b hubbyby tak ikut sebab dia nak balik jaga kedai on tuesday. usually i drive sendiri ngan anak2. tapi penatlah kalau balik sehari je... wednesday nak masuk ot pula. tengoklah camana...

hai sunyinya rumah... bila anak2 nak balik ni? how i miss everyone.

100 thruths

i'm tired and bored. had family day (department punye) yesterday, tak delah best sangat... BBQ pun macam bukan BBQ je, bayar je mahal, food was not good.
today got soft skill course. ntahlah... tak de rasa bersemangat pun. biasa2 je. to be or not to be? everything is up to you, but i do learn something, cuma banyak yang dah biasa dengar.
i was tagged by dhuha. hah.... 100 thruths! kalau sanggup baca sampai nombor 100, i respect korang sumer. anyways, layan jelah...
WHAT WAS YOUR:

1. Last beverage: sirap hijau... tak de ke yang pastel color sikit?
2. Last phone call: hubbyby
3. Last text message: my MA, mat fazirlah
4. Last song you listened to: lagu lama - straight from the heart by bryan adams, dah tua2 pun voice sedap sangat2
5. Last time you cried: dah lupa... may be last week while watching "Just Like Heaven" - supposed to be a sweet romantic comedy, but i still cried...

HAVE YOU EVER:

6. Dated someone twice: nope
7. Been cheated on: yup
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: never
9. Lost someone special: yup
10. Been depressed: at times... cheer-up babe!
11. Been drunk and threw up: Never!

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLOURS:

12. blue
13. black and white
14. earth tone

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2009)

15. Made a new friend: yup... ramai jugak
16. Fallen out of love: sadly yup..., but i have a wide definition of love!
17. Laughed until you cried: always. oh... i just love people who can make me laugh
18. Met someone who changed you: in a way... yes!
19. Found out who your true friends were: yup, sadly not many of them.
20. Found out someone was talking about you: haha... yes i did! jahat depa sumer tu..
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: sama2 pompuan... biaselah cium pipi
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: all but a few
23. How many kids do you want to have: 4 to 5, but i'm racing against the clock!
24. Do you have any pets: nope
25. Do you want to change your name: why should i?
26. What did you do for your last birthday: dah lupa... not celebrated!
27. What time did you wake up today: 5.30am, tidur balik and bangkit at 6.05am
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: asleep!
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: the next family vacation... bila ye
30. Last time you saw your Mother: last week.
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life : i dunno... there are so many things that i wish to be this way and that way... but i believe God knows what is better for me. i just hope i can find true happiness and self satisfaction before i die... oh, i just need to love my life!
32. What are you listening to right now: ayat-ayat cinta by rossa
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: seingatku, tiada...
34. What's getting on your nerves right now: myself... i'm confused!
35. Most visited webpage: hotmail, yahoo mail, as the wind blows!
36. Whats your real name: Nor Anita
37. Nicknames: ta, nita, ita, neat, enda. tak de ke orang nak panggil i honey?
38. Relationship Status: MBA...haha... i'm married!
39. Zodiac sign: virgo, feminine ????
40. Male or female : female
41. Elementary: Zainab School (2)
42. Middle School: MRSM Kuantan
43. High school/college: MRSM Kulim
44. Hair colour: burgundy
45. Long or short: shoulder length
46. Height: 150cm
47. Do you have a crush on someone?: aahaa.... pep guardiola
48: What do you like about yourself?: malas nak puji diri sendiri, nanti orang kata perasan.
49. Piercings: my earlobes
50. Tattoos: none
51. Righty or lefty: righty

FIRSTS :

52. First surgery: caesarian section 2005

53. First piercing: dah lupa... masa kecik2
54. First best friend: wan razanawani
55. First sport you joined: badminton
56. First vacation: KL ke singapore dulu yek? both when i was 8 y.o.
58. First pair of trainers: a pair of nike.

RIGHT NOW

59. Eating: tadi makan nasi beriani
60. Drinking: baru lepas minum air sejuk, best...
61. I'm about to: wasting my time
62. Listening to: ben by the original black michael jackson
63. Waiting on: nak keluar makan... nampak gaya cam kena postpone lagi!

YOUR FUTURE :

64. Want kids?: how i wish to get a new family addition...
65. Get Married?: dah kawin pun
66. Career?: now - ophthalmologist, future? - entrepreneur?

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes: eyes, definitely! ...your eyes never lie!
68. Hugs or kisses: both, but hugs warm me up and makes me feel a lot better!
69. Shorter or taller: taller!!!
70. Older or Younger: i do not count on age, it's mere numbers... i look for wisdom and maturity
71. Romantic or spontaneous: spontaneous
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: nice fingers and long legs.
73. Sensitive or loud: you need to be sensitive to your environments but you do need to speak-up too!
74. Hook-up or relationship: a true, sincere relationship
75. Trouble maker or hesitant: assertive!

HAVE YOU EVER :

76. Kissed a stranger: never, kena peluk ngan mat salleh adalah.
77. Drank hard liquor: NEVER
78. Lost glasses/contacts: broken my glasses pernahlah
79. Sex on first date: oh tidak sekali-kali!
80. Broken someone's heart: yup
82. Been arrested: never, tapi pernah nak kena waran tangkap for not turning to court as a witness. i was on leave, your honour!
83. Turned someone down: yup
84. Cried when someone died: yup
85. Fallen for a friend?: yup

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

86. Yourself: yes
87. Miracles: yes
88. Love at first sight: oh.. how sweet, but never judge a book by it's cover!
89. Heaven: definitely!
90. Santa Claus: karut!
91. Kiss on the first date: macam sweet je... tapi mana boleh!
92. Angels: yup

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: suka hati i lah...
95. Did you sing today?: i sing everyday!
96. Ever cheated on somebody?: ntahlah... rasa macam baik je selama ni
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go?: my wonderful childhood days
98. If you could pick a day from last year and relive it, what would it be? : i wish all my bad days turn good
99. Are you afraid of falling in love?: i define love in so many ways, am always in love, truly, madly, deeply!
100. Posting this as 100 truths? - tak percaya? suka hati koranglah...

a life without passion is not vital!

boredom

bored?

let's watch this cool video - starred by my nieces: edd, tazneem and hannan.



korang ni cutelah! buatlah lagi... :)