i cannot sleep. was already asleep while i put sofea to sleep, but hanif woke me up. now, i just cannot sleep. forced myself. failed. something is bothering me... have i done anything wrong? i don't like this feeling.
went blog-hopping. then i began to realize... i haven't been reading much nowadays. not even the news. yes, i did browse thru the online papers but i just read headlines and speed-read the selected news, just to get the gist of it. no wonder my general knowledge doesn't seem to be growing lately. i used to be a quite well-read person. i was brought up to do it. we had newspapers sent to our house daily, and kami berebut to read it. we also have a lot of books at home, and a set of encyclopedia yang i tak pernah habis baca - i only read about dolls, nursery rhymes, animals, countries, flags, the evolution of the way people dressed, etc.
i have also slowed down in reading novels. this year baru habis baca 3 novels. not much of an achievement. mags pun i dah jarang beli, kalau beli pun i just browse thru and buat i rasa membazir bayar mahal2. dulu, sampai lebu ID mags tu i belek.
why and how did this happened? may be i bcoz i have started writing, and spent more time on it. but to write, i should actually read more. has something gone wrong somewhere in me? i think so. i have changed. may be it's the effect of aging. my mind is at a relaxed mode most of the time now. malas dah nak fikir benda yang menyerabutkan kepala. i want to make life easy and enjoying it. i also felt that my performance at work is not as good as before. not as tip-top.
mungkin dah nak masuk 5 tahun kat KT ni, i dah mula rasa boring. may be i need a new challenge. a transfer? janganlah... tak sanggup. i don't like masuk tempat kerja baru. it is a stress to me. meeting new people, new environment, semua boleh buat i stressful. time student dulu pun gitu. but i need something to boost me up. admin work? sorry, tak minat. i hate meetings. i just like to do clinical work especially surgeries, and clinic. may be i should go for subspeciality training. again, i dah tak sanggup nak go through stress nak stay kat selayang for one year. and the progress viva, umur dah dekat 40, dah malas nak stress benda2 cam gini.
my hubbyby dah lama suruh i open up my own eye center. cakap senang, tapi susah jugak, coz i think one of us must be in the government sector. bukan ape, economy ni turun naik. tak berani nak ambik risk. modal pun satu hal, kita bukannya banyak duit sangat. it needs proper planning, and i'm not young anymore. nanti dekat 50, nak buat op pun may be dah tak selesa. i need a younger person to run it then. a good business partner mungkin susah nak cari.
ahh... things have mellowed down. it's true when people said you need some stress to move forward, to perform, to excell. have i lost my midas touch?
where did i go wrong? help me, God.
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